...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
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I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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