i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
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Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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