i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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