It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
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SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
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If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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