sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
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Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
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I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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