wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
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Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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