After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think my moral compass just broke
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