Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
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Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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