I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
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I feel a five day drunk coming on.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
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...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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