Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
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I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
They took my balls.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
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