Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
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We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
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turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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