Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize