yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
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I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
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Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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