It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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