How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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