mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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