my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
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I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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