Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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