I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize