You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
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So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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