Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
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He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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