totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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