Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
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i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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