just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
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Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You are a genius and a whore.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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