i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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