Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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