just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She bit a glass in half.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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