the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
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Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
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You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize