Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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