I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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