The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
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Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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