It's Friday. Sex?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
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I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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