He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
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I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
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Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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