Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
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The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
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Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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