Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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