This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
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The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
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Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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