Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
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This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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