The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
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