when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
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However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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