I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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