I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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