It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
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I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
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Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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