Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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