a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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