She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
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When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
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I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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