I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
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The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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