i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
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I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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