go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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