dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
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Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
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She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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