I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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